Wow, it has been a while. I have undergone (is that a word?) some nasty and embarrassing tests, have seen my main man for 3 weeks,used up all of my vacation, had my daughter start back to school, turned down 2 job offers and interviewed for one since I last wrote. It seems like a lifetime to some, but just a blink of my eye to me. The nasty tests first. Had something called a pre-sacral lesion. What the heck is that? Went to the surgeon and he told me "Well the first thing we think of when we see that is sarcoma". Well, that is not the FIRST THING I THOUGHT OF. I did not think cancer right away but did after my primary doc and my surgeon (Yikes...my surgeon's name is Doctor Needle by the way) expressed ideas that it may be just that I got scared. I had a biopsy on July 14 and it was a breeze, but humiliating (how does one get to the area between the sacrum and the rectum anyway?). Mercifully you are asleep. The biopsy was negative. Now the docs are saying the lining of the cyst can become malignant. HUH?
Main man is in Kuwait. He only comes home once a year. NOT ENOUGH!!!
I need some time off. If I can get it I will let you know. I only know that I cannot stand the thought of being sick, so no matter how I feel I will always go to work. My only hope is the lottery... Pray for me!! Thanks all

It Has Been a Heck of a Ride

My friend died on June 17. My friend Ron (who was supposed to be in my wedding but had an attack of gout) died 2 weeks before and my friend Becky's husband died the week after. then the wonderful woman who was helping out as our secretary died on June 18th. I have subsequently spent a lot time deliberating questions surrounding mortality. I guess the biggest question I have is did these people die happy and fulfilled? I never knew that this was such a big and worrisome question until these folks died. I think I always thought that when the end was near we would somehow resolve the questions we had about our own mortality and "magically" solve the problems we have with our story's ending. Well, I am hear to tell you...I don't think it happens. I am not sure we can resolve our issues with happiness until we do what we have to do. I read what I consider the most relevant quote I have ever seen a few years ago. It said that the "true essence of freedom is not doing what we want to do, but doing what we ought to do". The "oughts" of our lives outweigh the "wants" of our life by far. I listen to the younger generation and am so dismayed by the "me centeredness" of their conversation. They always speak of how "I can make myself happy" and "I should do this regardless of the cost (both monetary and elsewise) so "I can be fulfilled". When I meet with people that are dying (and of course you all know I am a RN case manager) I hear their stories of how their life has changed since they found out that they are terminally ill, and how they would have changed things, I just want to scream out to others that to be happy you have to really do what you know to BE RIGHT AND TRUE. It really is all about being good and nice just like Mom said it was.

My Friend is Dying

How do you say good-bye to a friend that you work with? My relationship has always been one of his perceived "power" and my perceived "lesser-status". It is a relationship between a doctor and a nurse. We fought for over 17 1/2 years, but always maintained a sense of caring. I knew he was a jerk at times and he knew I was a shrew at times. But we always knew what it "was about" even when we fought with each other. I worked with him exclusively for 5 years as his case manager. And now it is coming to an end. He is dying. I can hardly stand to think about it. And I cannot stand to not think about it. This is the end and I am not ready. There are so many things I would like to tell him. All of them telling him what a good doc he was and how he saved so many lives. He was the best diagnostician I have ever seen in 32 years of nursing. I always told my family that if I was sick they had to call him in. Now he is dying at the age of 61. OMG.

Another month gone by and no posts....

I think about posting all the time. Then I think that what I have to say is so insignificant that I shouldn't post it at all. Then I think that there is no one in the world that knows about this blog, so I should say everything I want to say, then I think.... blah... blah... blah. What I do think is that I am not sure that what I have to say is of any value. I read other people's blogs and am so impressed. I really should not compare myself to them. I have gotten over comparing my boobs, my waist,my hips (ok..yikes to the size) with everyone I meet. Why can't I overcome this? It is not like I have no opinion. I have an opinion on everything I have ever talked about. I am just not sure it is important enough to talk about. But... But tonight I have decided that I will post everything I want to talk about. So stay tuned imaginary audience. My thoughts are on their way.

I was always promising myself that I will write every day. Then it was every other day. Then it was once a week. Now it is whenever I can...and I think I can live with it.
I am working on a poster board for nurses week. My theme is that we are all experienced. I overheard a young nurse say to her peer the other day "She is really nice...for her age. When do people start to get demented?" She was talking about me. ME!! Of all people. In my heart I am still 21, but in my body I know I am at least 50. But demented? At least I know she is still waiting for me to get there. I can remember the feeling of knowing everything there was to know in the world. I might have been 22 or 23. I started questioning what I knew at about 30 and have subsequently decided that, with each passing year, I know less and less. I know more about what makes people "tick" but am now encountering different situations that make me question what I am sure about. People are evolving. What used to be taboo is now the norm. What used to be outrageous is now commonplace. I try to keep up, but am now seeing something I have never been able to view before. I see the validity of not changing. I always have felt that people that wouldn't or couldn't change were dinosaurs. They were stuck in the past and were irrelevant in terms of importance because they did not bother to keep up with the latest information. I think most young people feel this way. When I saw the condescending look I got from my kids when I didn't know what "jacked-up" meant or when I didn't know the name of the latest group I got this kinda sharp, kinda bittersweet, kinda kick in the chest kind of feeling. I felt old and not with the times. But wait a minute. That is not me. I do read the paper everyday. I read magazines. I know who slept with who and who had surgery for her nose or liposuction. I just don't really give a damn. So the information goes in one brain cell and out the other. The things that stay are the latest treatment for breast cancer, the job outlook and joblessness rate, and what kind of benefits are available for me and mine under the new health care bill. Priorities change. It is so weird how I used to think I could change the world if I tried hard enough and now I am satisfied trying to change a little piece of zip code 60085 with working 10-12 hours a day and usually failing to achieve everything I set out to do. When did this happen?
But not changing the way I think? What is that about? I find that some of the old values are still the ones I want the world to achieve. I want my grand babies to have parents that are married to each other. I still want the word "honor" to mean something. I still want people that cheat (in any area of their life) to be chastised. I want less tolerance and more rules. In my opinion we are only happy when we do what we have to do, not when we do what we want to do.
Old fashioned? Probably. Will the world ever become this way again? I am not sure. But I will never stop trying to make the younger generation see the benefits of a more structured life.
There is one thing I am pretty sure of. In 25 years or so, the newbies will be questioning how the world has changed and what the heck has happened.
My mom did...I did...and my children will. Maybe that will be what changes us in the future.

What so you do with a friendship that is always changing? My friendship with my friend Maria is very dynamic. It has evolved into something that is more like a "sistership" that a "friendship". We have been good friends, (at times "best friends"), have been away from each other for months at a time and have at times seen each other daily, but still have "THAT" connection when we see each other and are able to pick up the threads of our relationship and weave a new and improved connection each time we meet. How does this work? I am employed with a lot of people that I see sporadically or even daily and do not feel this same connection. Maria and I are of similar ethic backgrounds-she is 100% Hispanic and I am 50%- both of our parents worked while we were young, and so on. But really this fails to tell me what happens when a friendship takes off and becomes an alliance of two souls. This is when we lose the lines that distinguish us as acquaintances and become "familiars" to each others needs.
She is the most compassionate and fair-minded person I have ever met. She tries so hard to sound "tough" that sometimes I have to laugh at her. I always think she does not want people to see the goodness that is inside of her.
So you may ask "Why would you question what this is all about?"
Well the answer is very simple.
She makes me question myself.
Not a big deal? Well maybe not for someone who is very sure of what they believe. But I think that at my age we are all questioning what we believe in, who we can trust to be by our side when the inevitable bad things happen, what will happen to us when we become ill or disabled, if we doing the "right" things to get us in to heaven , or if we should do more for the people we serve. Maria is one of those people that make you wonder if you do enough. She never criticizes you for not doing your job. She just always does that extra step: more than you think is the norm. She always acknowledges that she ran the extra mile, but never makes you feel bad that you didn't. I work 10-12 hours daily and always wonder if I did enough. But when I ask Maria if I did - her answer is always the same.
"You can't save everyone". "You always do the best you can". "You are REALLY good at what you do."
Am I?

Today it was 80 degrees outside. OK...Not such big news, but really great for those of us who are used to 30-40 degree days. Going outside on the deck with Max (my beloved 9 year old shepherd/chow mix) was the highlight of a week that was awful, to say the least. Work issues always seem to loom larger than they probably are, although I am not sure this time. I have changed in the way I view the people I work with. A small incident (minor) took place in a meeting that set off a cascade of events that rocked my world. The folks I always thought were top-notch have been shown to have rips and tears in their armor. I am in a state of semi-shock as to what to make of all this. People I have worked with for years (and I do mean as in 15 to 20 years), have astounded me with their cold and callous behavior. I actually had to take days to re-evaluate what was said and done to make sure I was not attributing behavior to my co-workers that was not fair. There were many indicators that this was coming, but I always closed my eyes to what I perceived as faults and forgave any indiscretion easily. This is not some minor thing but something I will be working on for quite some time. I will discuss this further in other posts, but it is clear I will be doing soul searching to figure out why I was sandbagged at my job. Now back to the 80 degree day...ending tonight and will be in the 50's next week. I guess all good things end. I can intellectualize this but it is taking some time to internalize that reality in all phases of my life.

Health Care Reform

Well, by now it is well known that the health care reform bill has passed. Whoopee. Now we are holding our children hostage to pay for health care for everyone, even those who have never worked or never gained citizenship. How fair is this to those of us who have done both? If health care is such a priority to the current administration, why don't they put forth the effort to amend our constitution to make health care for all a "right" such as the right for freedom of speech or religion, or the right to bear arms. When desires of the nation become "rights" it mobilizes money, energy and the best minds to find ways to make the amendments work. When ideas become amendments the principles lose their partisan aspects as most politicians do not want to lose popular opinion by not supporting the will of the people. They will find ways to support an amendment because it is a law. My opinion is that it will not happen. To stand up and ask the majority of people to do what is right is not a popular stance to take in these times. What is popular is to become an adept "fence sitter" and be able to appear to take both sides of an argument at once. To give medical care to an American should be a right to each and every one of us and not many people will argue with that statement. What the argument revolves around is the ability to pay for it. I cannot believe that the government did not just tell each and every huge insurance company that in order to do business in the United States they had to take a percentage of uninsured people based on how large their business was. It could be based on income of the company. For example, Blue Cross might have to take 12%, Humana 15%, United Health care 10% , etc. All those that don't have insurance would be in a pool and just divvy them up randomly. And stop any and all bonuses for CEO's of insurance companies. Period. No more. What the insurance companies have been doing is a form of profiling for years. If you have pre-existing conditions, if you are a certain age, if you are a certain weight: we will not insure you. This is not allowed in other businesses. If an airline decided not to let me fly because I was 86 years old, if a company will not promote me because I am 300 pounds or if my company fired me because I have cancer I could take them to court because my "rights" have been violated. How is it that we let insurance companies dictate to us what our rights are with them when they are based on what WE PAY THEM? Our premiums are the reason they are in business. Laws should be based on the needs of the people. Let us work toward a more fair and equitable distribution of the health care dollar.

OK so I did not post right away, but my intentions are always good. I am so confused with this new-found freedom. I am not actually alone, but do have 2 adult children living with me, but they have their own lives so I am not really included. I am working many hours but wish I had more of a purpose in my life. I am a case manager in a local hospital so I feel I try to help save the world a little piece at a time; but sometimes I think I am drowning in "self-pays" and "non-documented" citizens. I want to help these people but after all the work I do I am not so sure I have made a difference. The area I feel I could make a difference is the area of providing durable medical equipment (such as wheelchairs and oxygen) for those that are uninsured or under insured. I recently provided a transport chair for an adult with cerebral palsy out of my bonus pay and felt so good. I cannot tell anyone else about it but in the rare chance anyone would read this they know who it is, but I promised myself I would never tell anyone so I would not receive any kudos for this. I do not deserve it. I am a human being that owes something to others; so anyway I can help should be considered a gift from God to me and please keep it confidential. I am considering opening a non-profit agency to provide DME's to those who simply cannot afford it. I am saving for this so watch for something in the future.
The thing I like about this blog is no one... and I mean no one that I know, knows anything about this so I can speak what I really feel.

Here I am...alone again

I am alone. For the first time in over 31 years I am without critical responsibility for someone else's life. I should clarify that. For the first time in over 31 years I am not responsible to watch over every move of a child, make someone else's meals, do their laundry, clean up after them or even listen to them complain about me--to me of course. I still work full time but now I am free to come home when I want, eat what I want, drive where I want, buy what I want (within the constraints of my budget of course) and do what I want with my spare time. I believe I have always had this kind of freedom, but was so indoctrinated in being a good wife and mother that to take time for myself and be who I wanted to be would have seemed almost sacrilegious. I did go back to school in that last few years, but I ended up going to school full time, working full time and being a full time homemaker and mother so it really was only the choice to go back to school that was mine. I had to take time off to recuperate from school before I finish my degree. I am hoping that this new found freedom gives me time to clarify my thinking about things I have always wanted to have time to really THINK about and write about them in my blog.

How Time Flies When You Have Good Intentions

I was going to post everyday. Here I am one year and several months later posting my second blog. I will post more often now. I will have lots of time.