As the moon shines above
I think of all the times I looked
at its shimmering brilliance
and thought
“We are looking at this together ‘
Although
we were a world apart.
How was I to know that the
moon shone only for me;
and that the shining was
locked in my heart alone?
When do we come to life’s
Intersection of values?
The one that says it is now right
to talk to someone else.
It is not ever a
“It just happened” moment.
It is a deliberate
lie to ourselves…
It says that your love to me was
expendable.
You said in your heart
“You can be replaced”.
I may be replaced and so might you
But you will never be the same.
Not just the relationship was broken
You were a casualty also.
The innocence of being faithful…..is gone.

I am reading a book called "The People of the Lie" by M. Scott Peck. It's subtitle is "The Hope for Healing Human Evil". When asked to define evil most people say it is when someone is bad. He defines it as the attempt to kill life or liveliness. This is so true. We can kill people and kill their spirit. Which is worse?
I feel that for the past decade I have been attempting to right myself after all assaults and attempts made on me for who I am and what I believe. I have been called names, been consistently blamed for things I did not do, had my children berated, given the "silent treatment", listen to my man make endless racial slurs about all races, had my beliefs criticized, told that my prayers did not meet certain standards, been ignored, been blamed for bad spending habits when all I did was accept something I thought was offered to me out of love, and had to listen endlessly to stories about how holy and pious my mate was and his plans to save the world now and in end times. How did I not see how wrong this was? I had to be part of this relationship to accept his evilness, but it is only now that I can see clearly what was being said to me and being done to me. I can only assume I was in thrall of him. I believe that in itself says that he was dealing with the dark side.
His constant scapegoating of others for all of his problems should have sent up a red flag, but I was so believing of his goodness that I blamed others for what were his problems. He got fired from a good job for poor performance. He blamed the other workers because they had given him to much work, made him anxious, and did not help him when he needed it. Really? I saw this with all of his issues and only recently starting questioning him using issues I saw as patterns as a reference for why he could not work with others. The truth was coming out: I was starting to see it, and became expendable because I no longer could deal with the incessant whining and complaining about everyone else. It was boring and I do not know how I dealt with it for so long.
Again, I can only wonder how I did it and didn't see it for what it was.
I really have to praise God at this point.
I will repeat what I said before.
He did something for me that I did not have the courage or strength to do for myself.
We are apart and with that comes new vision for me.

Looking back over my writings from early July, right after the dog left, I cringe when I thought I was better just a few days after he left. I had no frame of reference by which to measure when I would be better or not. I just assumed that like everything else in my life I would accept, do the best I could to cope and move on, usually quite quickly. I had absolutely no idea that this hurricane, tornado, earthquake, landslide or what ever you want to call what happened to me, would so completely devastate me. I did not even suspect what was coming. I have had people that I love die. I have had relationships end. I have even had jobs end that I loved. But I have never had the rug pulled so completely out from under me without me seeing it coming. Not even an inkling. Just going about my life the same way as always and then wham! My life as I have known it is over. Just like that. And at the whim of another person. How does one reconcile that?
I remember that after September 11, 2001-while I was watching the horrible pictures of the tragedy on the TV-I cried out "Where was God?". To me my event was that "life-changing". It must be a testament to my spiritual growth that instead of asking where God was, I asked for a deeper and more committed relationship with Him. It probably is a victory, but why can't I see it as such? Why does it feel like just one more stripe on my back? I want justice. I want to feel like my feelings are justified. I want him to hurt and then immediately pray for forgiveness because I should not want others to hurt. This is crazy.
How does a person start to heal? Everyone has something to say about how long you should grieve and how long it takes to feel better. It is like an opinion about unending pain. It will hurt until it does not. "Thanks for the help" I say, but what I want to say is "Why can't you help me more? Why do you leave me here to fight for myself...alone and scared?" I keep asking "Why can't someone help me?"
I guess the answer lies in a place I am not familiar with. I am pretty sure it is not in self-reflection. I have spent years there. I cannot find the answer from someone I know. No one holds the key for me. It has to be in prayer, but as yet I have had no divine revelations about how to cope with this. Will it come? I sincerely hope so. I have analyzed my actions, his actions, our issues, what I could have done differently, what he could have done differently until I am blue in the face. I have come to the conclusion it happened just like it was supposed to. I did what I was supposed to do, he did what he had to do and it worked out just like it should. I can barely stop wanting to blame myself for all of this. If it was my fault it would imply that somewhere, somehow I had some control over this horrible event. I think the scariest part of this all is to think I did the right thing and got slammed. How does it pay to be good, kind and loving? I have heard that no good deed goes unpunished. I always thought that was stupid, but now I wonder. I had my opportunities to cheat, lie and steal, but did not. AND how did that help me in the long run?
I am writhing in pain and he is loving someone else, without so much as a call to me to see how I am doing or a look back over his shoulder.
Where is the fairness in all of this?

I am wondering where to start when talking about what is going on in my life at this time. It all seems so depressing, and while it is, someone once told me that there can be joy in loss. I was young and remember thinking that she was so old (probably my age now) that she was demented. She was right. There can be joy in the worst of situations. As you know my life is about to change in the most radical ways I can imagine and it is scary, but the core of me and my family will remain the same. We will still be us-no matter where we go and no matter what we take with us. That is a joyful thought. I have my faith that grows stronger by the day to guide me to where I need to be.
The best man at my wedding to Carl sent me an email today stating
'"Those whom the Lord loves, He chastens". So from the day you were born, consider yourself loved!'...I guess I am loved. I have never had such an outpouring of love from friends and family as I have had since this all started. People I was barely close to cried when they heard how deeply I had been wronged and came to me to give me their numbers to call them if I ever needed anything. I knew I would probably never call but accepted their numbers gratefully. It was like a little bit of comfort on paper to take with me.
I have told several people that for the first month I wandered around like Rick Moranis' character in Ghost Busters (Louis Tully) as he went around asking people if they were the "key master". I told everyone my story in the hope that someone held the "key" to make me feel better. I just wanted some comfort, but any comfort I could find was temporary (at the moment it was happening) and then the heavy weight of the issues would fall back on me; hitting me with full force and almost knocking me over. It ALMOST knocked me over.
That is the joyful part of this. I did not fall down no matter how hard it was to stand up and no matter how hard it was to go on. I actually sat down many nights and "2 minuted" it. Saying to myself that if I can make it for 2 minutes I will be OK. If I couldn't I would call someone to take me to the hospital to get something for my anxiety and depression. I would sit and watch the clock and count off the seconds. Then... I would do it again and again and again. So many times God intervened and would let me sleep for a few minutes or would bring a lifting of my spirits I surely did not expect or felt I deserved.
The pain is still here. How can it not be? One of my sisters told me today I needed to pick up the pieces and move on. It has only been six weeks. I am not ready and said so; all the while silently deciding I will not include her on any further discussions about how I am doing. Some people are not born with the same "empathy gene" I was born with and that is OK. She may not be the "key master" for me but that will not stop me from looking.
I have found so much wisdom in the people I have spoken with that I am in awe of them. I may not have ever needed to hear what they had to say in this way so that may be why I had not come up with this realization before. There were so many times someone would just say the "right" thing that I realized that this was all part of a bigger plan.
The temporary feelings of relief have become much longer lasting as time has gone along. What my sister Margaret said about forgiveness and having to deal with the consequences of our actions brought little relief at the time, but has subsequently been a salve to my open psychic wounds. A statement my friend at work made about God loving me and my ex the same way made me so angry at the time I wanted to yell at her "I want God to punish him for what he did". But now I am happy to think about that idea. I cannot imagine anyone needing God to love him more than that man.

Where is it written that someone can
guillotine my life and not look back?
Where do I look for comfort when
the only world I have known for years
Is taken from me?
Whom do I listen to when I ask…
“Where were you God”?
And silently know he was holding me
Who touches me in the night
when you always held my hand?
Who says “I love you” when I say
“I love you so much”
I am not sure where to even
look for answers.
A man of God would have
rebuked the devil as he tried
To hold you hostage for another
Committing adultery-even in your mind
was the one thing you assured me you
Would never do
But you did
And did not even look back
God will forgive you
I will forgive you
But you will never be clean in your soul
You will always be “that man who cheated”
Not to just me, but to my family
God
and yourself