As the moon shines above
I think of all the times I looked
at its shimmering brilliance
and thought
“We are looking at this together ‘
Although
we were a world apart.
How was I to know that the
moon shone only for me;
and that the shining was
locked in my heart alone?
When do we come to life’s
Intersection of values?
The one that says it is now right
to talk to someone else.
It is not ever a
“It just happened” moment.
It is a deliberate
lie to ourselves…
It says that your love to me was
expendable.
You said in your heart
“You can be replaced”.
I may be replaced and so might you
But you will never be the same.
Not just the relationship was broken
You were a casualty also.
The innocence of being faithful…..is gone.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
I am reading a book called "The People of the Lie" by M. Scott Peck. It's subtitle is "The Hope for Healing Human Evil". When asked to define evil most people say it is when someone is bad. He defines it as the attempt to kill life or liveliness. This is so true. We can kill people and kill their spirit. Which is worse?
I feel that for the past decade I have been attempting to right myself after all assaults and attempts made on me for who I am and what I believe. I have been called names, been consistently blamed for things I did not do, had my children berated, given the "silent treatment", listen to my man make endless racial slurs about all races, had my beliefs criticized, told that my prayers did not meet certain standards, been ignored, been blamed for bad spending habits when all I did was accept something I thought was offered to me out of love, and had to listen endlessly to stories about how holy and pious my mate was and his plans to save the world now and in end times. How did I not see how wrong this was? I had to be part of this relationship to accept his evilness, but it is only now that I can see clearly what was being said to me and being done to me. I can only assume I was in thrall of him. I believe that in itself says that he was dealing with the dark side.
His constant scapegoating of others for all of his problems should have sent up a red flag, but I was so believing of his goodness that I blamed others for what were his problems. He got fired from a good job for poor performance. He blamed the other workers because they had given him to much work, made him anxious, and did not help him when he needed it. Really? I saw this with all of his issues and only recently starting questioning him using issues I saw as patterns as a reference for why he could not work with others. The truth was coming out: I was starting to see it, and became expendable because I no longer could deal with the incessant whining and complaining about everyone else. It was boring and I do not know how I dealt with it for so long.
Again, I can only wonder how I did it and didn't see it for what it was.
I really have to praise God at this point.
I will repeat what I said before.
He did something for me that I did not have the courage or strength to do for myself.
We are apart and with that comes new vision for me.
I feel that for the past decade I have been attempting to right myself after all assaults and attempts made on me for who I am and what I believe. I have been called names, been consistently blamed for things I did not do, had my children berated, given the "silent treatment", listen to my man make endless racial slurs about all races, had my beliefs criticized, told that my prayers did not meet certain standards, been ignored, been blamed for bad spending habits when all I did was accept something I thought was offered to me out of love, and had to listen endlessly to stories about how holy and pious my mate was and his plans to save the world now and in end times. How did I not see how wrong this was? I had to be part of this relationship to accept his evilness, but it is only now that I can see clearly what was being said to me and being done to me. I can only assume I was in thrall of him. I believe that in itself says that he was dealing with the dark side.
His constant scapegoating of others for all of his problems should have sent up a red flag, but I was so believing of his goodness that I blamed others for what were his problems. He got fired from a good job for poor performance. He blamed the other workers because they had given him to much work, made him anxious, and did not help him when he needed it. Really? I saw this with all of his issues and only recently starting questioning him using issues I saw as patterns as a reference for why he could not work with others. The truth was coming out: I was starting to see it, and became expendable because I no longer could deal with the incessant whining and complaining about everyone else. It was boring and I do not know how I dealt with it for so long.
Again, I can only wonder how I did it and didn't see it for what it was.
I really have to praise God at this point.
I will repeat what I said before.
He did something for me that I did not have the courage or strength to do for myself.
We are apart and with that comes new vision for me.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Looking back over my writings from early July, right after the dog left, I cringe when I thought I was better just a few days after he left. I had no frame of reference by which to measure when I would be better or not. I just assumed that like everything else in my life I would accept, do the best I could to cope and move on, usually quite quickly. I had absolutely no idea that this hurricane, tornado, earthquake, landslide or what ever you want to call what happened to me, would so completely devastate me. I did not even suspect what was coming. I have had people that I love die. I have had relationships end. I have even had jobs end that I loved. But I have never had the rug pulled so completely out from under me without me seeing it coming. Not even an inkling. Just going about my life the same way as always and then wham! My life as I have known it is over. Just like that. And at the whim of another person. How does one reconcile that?
I remember that after September 11, 2001-while I was watching the horrible pictures of the tragedy on the TV-I cried out "Where was God?". To me my event was that "life-changing". It must be a testament to my spiritual growth that instead of asking where God was, I asked for a deeper and more committed relationship with Him. It probably is a victory, but why can't I see it as such? Why does it feel like just one more stripe on my back? I want justice. I want to feel like my feelings are justified. I want him to hurt and then immediately pray for forgiveness because I should not want others to hurt. This is crazy.
How does a person start to heal? Everyone has something to say about how long you should grieve and how long it takes to feel better. It is like an opinion about unending pain. It will hurt until it does not. "Thanks for the help" I say, but what I want to say is "Why can't you help me more? Why do you leave me here to fight for myself...alone and scared?" I keep asking "Why can't someone help me?"
I guess the answer lies in a place I am not familiar with. I am pretty sure it is not in self-reflection. I have spent years there. I cannot find the answer from someone I know. No one holds the key for me. It has to be in prayer, but as yet I have had no divine revelations about how to cope with this. Will it come? I sincerely hope so. I have analyzed my actions, his actions, our issues, what I could have done differently, what he could have done differently until I am blue in the face. I have come to the conclusion it happened just like it was supposed to. I did what I was supposed to do, he did what he had to do and it worked out just like it should. I can barely stop wanting to blame myself for all of this. If it was my fault it would imply that somewhere, somehow I had some control over this horrible event. I think the scariest part of this all is to think I did the right thing and got slammed. How does it pay to be good, kind and loving? I have heard that no good deed goes unpunished. I always thought that was stupid, but now I wonder. I had my opportunities to cheat, lie and steal, but did not. AND how did that help me in the long run?
I am writhing in pain and he is loving someone else, without so much as a call to me to see how I am doing or a look back over his shoulder.
Where is the fairness in all of this?
I remember that after September 11, 2001-while I was watching the horrible pictures of the tragedy on the TV-I cried out "Where was God?". To me my event was that "life-changing". It must be a testament to my spiritual growth that instead of asking where God was, I asked for a deeper and more committed relationship with Him. It probably is a victory, but why can't I see it as such? Why does it feel like just one more stripe on my back? I want justice. I want to feel like my feelings are justified. I want him to hurt and then immediately pray for forgiveness because I should not want others to hurt. This is crazy.
How does a person start to heal? Everyone has something to say about how long you should grieve and how long it takes to feel better. It is like an opinion about unending pain. It will hurt until it does not. "Thanks for the help" I say, but what I want to say is "Why can't you help me more? Why do you leave me here to fight for myself...alone and scared?" I keep asking "Why can't someone help me?"
I guess the answer lies in a place I am not familiar with. I am pretty sure it is not in self-reflection. I have spent years there. I cannot find the answer from someone I know. No one holds the key for me. It has to be in prayer, but as yet I have had no divine revelations about how to cope with this. Will it come? I sincerely hope so. I have analyzed my actions, his actions, our issues, what I could have done differently, what he could have done differently until I am blue in the face. I have come to the conclusion it happened just like it was supposed to. I did what I was supposed to do, he did what he had to do and it worked out just like it should. I can barely stop wanting to blame myself for all of this. If it was my fault it would imply that somewhere, somehow I had some control over this horrible event. I think the scariest part of this all is to think I did the right thing and got slammed. How does it pay to be good, kind and loving? I have heard that no good deed goes unpunished. I always thought that was stupid, but now I wonder. I had my opportunities to cheat, lie and steal, but did not. AND how did that help me in the long run?
I am writhing in pain and he is loving someone else, without so much as a call to me to see how I am doing or a look back over his shoulder.
Where is the fairness in all of this?
Sunday, August 21, 2011
I am wondering where to start when talking about what is going on in my life at this time. It all seems so depressing, and while it is, someone once told me that there can be joy in loss. I was young and remember thinking that she was so old (probably my age now) that she was demented. She was right. There can be joy in the worst of situations. As you know my life is about to change in the most radical ways I can imagine and it is scary, but the core of me and my family will remain the same. We will still be us-no matter where we go and no matter what we take with us. That is a joyful thought. I have my faith that grows stronger by the day to guide me to where I need to be.
The best man at my wedding to Carl sent me an email today stating
'"Those whom the Lord loves, He chastens". So from the day you were born, consider yourself loved!'...I guess I am loved. I have never had such an outpouring of love from friends and family as I have had since this all started. People I was barely close to cried when they heard how deeply I had been wronged and came to me to give me their numbers to call them if I ever needed anything. I knew I would probably never call but accepted their numbers gratefully. It was like a little bit of comfort on paper to take with me.
I have told several people that for the first month I wandered around like Rick Moranis' character in Ghost Busters (Louis Tully) as he went around asking people if they were the "key master". I told everyone my story in the hope that someone held the "key" to make me feel better. I just wanted some comfort, but any comfort I could find was temporary (at the moment it was happening) and then the heavy weight of the issues would fall back on me; hitting me with full force and almost knocking me over. It ALMOST knocked me over.
That is the joyful part of this. I did not fall down no matter how hard it was to stand up and no matter how hard it was to go on. I actually sat down many nights and "2 minuted" it. Saying to myself that if I can make it for 2 minutes I will be OK. If I couldn't I would call someone to take me to the hospital to get something for my anxiety and depression. I would sit and watch the clock and count off the seconds. Then... I would do it again and again and again. So many times God intervened and would let me sleep for a few minutes or would bring a lifting of my spirits I surely did not expect or felt I deserved.
The pain is still here. How can it not be? One of my sisters told me today I needed to pick up the pieces and move on. It has only been six weeks. I am not ready and said so; all the while silently deciding I will not include her on any further discussions about how I am doing. Some people are not born with the same "empathy gene" I was born with and that is OK. She may not be the "key master" for me but that will not stop me from looking.
I have found so much wisdom in the people I have spoken with that I am in awe of them. I may not have ever needed to hear what they had to say in this way so that may be why I had not come up with this realization before. There were so many times someone would just say the "right" thing that I realized that this was all part of a bigger plan.
The temporary feelings of relief have become much longer lasting as time has gone along. What my sister Margaret said about forgiveness and having to deal with the consequences of our actions brought little relief at the time, but has subsequently been a salve to my open psychic wounds. A statement my friend at work made about God loving me and my ex the same way made me so angry at the time I wanted to yell at her "I want God to punish him for what he did". But now I am happy to think about that idea. I cannot imagine anyone needing God to love him more than that man.
The best man at my wedding to Carl sent me an email today stating
'"Those whom the Lord loves, He chastens". So from the day you were born, consider yourself loved!'...I guess I am loved. I have never had such an outpouring of love from friends and family as I have had since this all started. People I was barely close to cried when they heard how deeply I had been wronged and came to me to give me their numbers to call them if I ever needed anything. I knew I would probably never call but accepted their numbers gratefully. It was like a little bit of comfort on paper to take with me.
I have told several people that for the first month I wandered around like Rick Moranis' character in Ghost Busters (Louis Tully) as he went around asking people if they were the "key master". I told everyone my story in the hope that someone held the "key" to make me feel better. I just wanted some comfort, but any comfort I could find was temporary (at the moment it was happening) and then the heavy weight of the issues would fall back on me; hitting me with full force and almost knocking me over. It ALMOST knocked me over.
That is the joyful part of this. I did not fall down no matter how hard it was to stand up and no matter how hard it was to go on. I actually sat down many nights and "2 minuted" it. Saying to myself that if I can make it for 2 minutes I will be OK. If I couldn't I would call someone to take me to the hospital to get something for my anxiety and depression. I would sit and watch the clock and count off the seconds. Then... I would do it again and again and again. So many times God intervened and would let me sleep for a few minutes or would bring a lifting of my spirits I surely did not expect or felt I deserved.
The pain is still here. How can it not be? One of my sisters told me today I needed to pick up the pieces and move on. It has only been six weeks. I am not ready and said so; all the while silently deciding I will not include her on any further discussions about how I am doing. Some people are not born with the same "empathy gene" I was born with and that is OK. She may not be the "key master" for me but that will not stop me from looking.
I have found so much wisdom in the people I have spoken with that I am in awe of them. I may not have ever needed to hear what they had to say in this way so that may be why I had not come up with this realization before. There were so many times someone would just say the "right" thing that I realized that this was all part of a bigger plan.
The temporary feelings of relief have become much longer lasting as time has gone along. What my sister Margaret said about forgiveness and having to deal with the consequences of our actions brought little relief at the time, but has subsequently been a salve to my open psychic wounds. A statement my friend at work made about God loving me and my ex the same way made me so angry at the time I wanted to yell at her "I want God to punish him for what he did". But now I am happy to think about that idea. I cannot imagine anyone needing God to love him more than that man.
Where is it written that someone can
guillotine my life and not look back?
Where do I look for comfort when
the only world I have known for years
Is taken from me?
Whom do I listen to when I ask…
“Where were you God”?
And silently know he was holding me
Who touches me in the night
when you always held my hand?
Who says “I love you” when I say
“I love you so much”
I am not sure where to even
look for answers.
A man of God would have
rebuked the devil as he tried
To hold you hostage for another
Committing adultery-even in your mind
was the one thing you assured me you
Would never do
But you did
And did not even look back
God will forgive you
I will forgive you
But you will never be clean in your soul
You will always be “that man who cheated”
Not to just me, but to my family
God
and yourself
guillotine my life and not look back?
Where do I look for comfort when
the only world I have known for years
Is taken from me?
Whom do I listen to when I ask…
“Where were you God”?
And silently know he was holding me
Who touches me in the night
when you always held my hand?
Who says “I love you” when I say
“I love you so much”
I am not sure where to even
look for answers.
A man of God would have
rebuked the devil as he tried
To hold you hostage for another
Committing adultery-even in your mind
was the one thing you assured me you
Would never do
But you did
And did not even look back
God will forgive you
I will forgive you
But you will never be clean in your soul
You will always be “that man who cheated”
Not to just me, but to my family
God
and yourself
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Although still reeling, I am doing better. I am coming to see that I am not the perpetrator of this crime but the victim. Why is that so hard to see? I have been in 2 relationships where the man left me, and in both of these the men knew how devastated I was when I was "dumped". Is there a pattern here? I should have left these relationships much earlier that the men did. Various patterns of verbal abuse, attempts to control, subtle lies, outright lies, cheating, and stealing my assets are just a few things they had in common. In this case, my hubby professed to be the greatest Christian that ever walked on earth since Jesus: a fact I have a hard time disbelieving even in the face of evidence that he is a two-faced snake. It is real evidence (phone records, bank records, etc) and I still want to picture him the apostle of the new ages. I guess brainwashing works. It may take while for this to sink in...probably still in the denial stage and maybe not devious enough to figure out how the evil mind works.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Wow...I have not posted in 9 months. In that time, my biopsy was negative, my husband professed his love for me while home for vacation, we had holidays, and hubby came come April 29, 2011 for vacation. While he was running on April 30th and May 1st, he had chest pain as he has had numerous times in Kuwait. He attributed it to having a large pack on his back. When he told me that he had shortness of breath with the chest pain I INSISTED he call the doctor. Well,,,,long story short- he had a triple bypass on May 9th. I gave up all of my vacation time and almost all of my sick time to care for him. Nothing a loving wife wouldn't do. He was in the hospital 5 times after that with major complications,,,while I stood by his side. On July 8th I came home to a 2 page letter that explained he could not stay in a relationship with me because we had problems and so in essence....Good Luck. I have subsequently found out that "MR. I am such a wonderful Christian" has been carrying on an affair with a woman from the Florida Keys for quite a while and he left me to go to the Motel on 75th street to meet with her this weekend. He left me the letter and CLEARED OUT OUR BANK ACCOUNTS FOR THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS and left me with nothing else. If you came to our house you would not know he ever lived here- the removal of his things was that complete. I also found out he charged ten's of thousands of dollars on charge cards. I can only hope that God meters out the JUSTICE that he so richly deserves. So after probably saving his life, giving up 5 weeks of my PTO....this dog dumps me. "The wheels of God grind slowly, but exceedingly fine.." I hope to live to see it.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Wow, it has been a while. I have undergone (is that a word?) some nasty and embarrassing tests, have seen my main man for 3 weeks,used up all of my vacation, had my daughter start back to school, turned down 2 job offers and interviewed for one since I last wrote. It seems like a lifetime to some, but just a blink of my eye to me. The nasty tests first. Had something called a pre-sacral lesion. What the heck is that? Went to the surgeon and he told me "Well the first thing we think of when we see that is sarcoma". Well, that is not the FIRST THING I THOUGHT OF. I did not think cancer right away but did after my primary doc and my surgeon (Yikes...my surgeon's name is Doctor Needle by the way) expressed ideas that it may be just that I got scared. I had a biopsy on July 14 and it was a breeze, but humiliating (how does one get to the area between the sacrum and the rectum anyway?). Mercifully you are asleep. The biopsy was negative. Now the docs are saying the lining of the cyst can become malignant. HUH?
Main man is in Kuwait. He only comes home once a year. NOT ENOUGH!!!
I need some time off. If I can get it I will let you know. I only know that I cannot stand the thought of being sick, so no matter how I feel I will always go to work. My only hope is the lottery... Pray for me!! Thanks all
Main man is in Kuwait. He only comes home once a year. NOT ENOUGH!!!
I need some time off. If I can get it I will let you know. I only know that I cannot stand the thought of being sick, so no matter how I feel I will always go to work. My only hope is the lottery... Pray for me!! Thanks all
Thursday, July 1, 2010
It Has Been a Heck of a Ride
My friend died on June 17. My friend Ron (who was supposed to be in my wedding but had an attack of gout) died 2 weeks before and my friend Becky's husband died the week after. then the wonderful woman who was helping out as our secretary died on June 18th. I have subsequently spent a lot time deliberating questions surrounding mortality. I guess the biggest question I have is did these people die happy and fulfilled? I never knew that this was such a big and worrisome question until these folks died. I think I always thought that when the end was near we would somehow resolve the questions we had about our own mortality and "magically" solve the problems we have with our story's ending. Well, I am hear to tell you...I don't think it happens. I am not sure we can resolve our issues with happiness until we do what we have to do. I read what I consider the most relevant quote I have ever seen a few years ago. It said that the "true essence of freedom is not doing what we want to do, but doing what we ought to do". The "oughts" of our lives outweigh the "wants" of our life by far. I listen to the younger generation and am so dismayed by the "me centeredness" of their conversation. They always speak of how "I can make myself happy" and "I should do this regardless of the cost (both monetary and elsewise) so "I can be fulfilled". When I meet with people that are dying (and of course you all know I am a RN case manager) I hear their stories of how their life has changed since they found out that they are terminally ill, and how they would have changed things, I just want to scream out to others that to be happy you have to really do what you know to BE RIGHT AND TRUE. It really is all about being good and nice just like Mom said it was.
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