Looking back over my writings from early July, right after the dog left, I cringe when I thought I was better just a few days after he left. I had no frame of reference by which to measure when I would be better or not. I just assumed that like everything else in my life I would accept, do the best I could to cope and move on, usually quite quickly. I had absolutely no idea that this hurricane, tornado, earthquake, landslide or what ever you want to call what happened to me, would so completely devastate me. I did not even suspect what was coming. I have had people that I love die. I have had relationships end. I have even had jobs end that I loved. But I have never had the rug pulled so completely out from under me without me seeing it coming. Not even an inkling. Just going about my life the same way as always and then wham! My life as I have known it is over. Just like that. And at the whim of another person. How does one reconcile that?
I remember that after September 11, 2001-while I was watching the horrible pictures of the tragedy on the TV-I cried out "Where was God?". To me my event was that "life-changing". It must be a testament to my spiritual growth that instead of asking where God was, I asked for a deeper and more committed relationship with Him. It probably is a victory, but why can't I see it as such? Why does it feel like just one more stripe on my back? I want justice. I want to feel like my feelings are justified. I want him to hurt and then immediately pray for forgiveness because I should not want others to hurt. This is crazy.
How does a person start to heal? Everyone has something to say about how long you should grieve and how long it takes to feel better. It is like an opinion about unending pain. It will hurt until it does not. "Thanks for the help" I say, but what I want to say is "Why can't you help me more? Why do you leave me here to fight for myself...alone and scared?" I keep asking "Why can't someone help me?"
I guess the answer lies in a place I am not familiar with. I am pretty sure it is not in self-reflection. I have spent years there. I cannot find the answer from someone I know. No one holds the key for me. It has to be in prayer, but as yet I have had no divine revelations about how to cope with this. Will it come? I sincerely hope so. I have analyzed my actions, his actions, our issues, what I could have done differently, what he could have done differently until I am blue in the face. I have come to the conclusion it happened just like it was supposed to. I did what I was supposed to do, he did what he had to do and it worked out just like it should. I can barely stop wanting to blame myself for all of this. If it was my fault it would imply that somewhere, somehow I had some control over this horrible event. I think the scariest part of this all is to think I did the right thing and got slammed. How does it pay to be good, kind and loving? I have heard that no good deed goes unpunished. I always thought that was stupid, but now I wonder. I had my opportunities to cheat, lie and steal, but did not. AND how did that help me in the long run?
I am writhing in pain and he is loving someone else, without so much as a call to me to see how I am doing or a look back over his shoulder.
Where is the fairness in all of this?